Enquirer Gives Michael Jackson Six Months To Live

It's hard to decide what's worse: Dad Ryan possibly sharing drugs with his 24-year-old son, or the excuse Tatum O'Neal gave when she was arrested for heroin possession. It's not exactly a shock that Ryan exercised poor judgment --- last year he was arrested for firing a gun at his other son Griffin, and this month he was arrested for possession of meth after a routine visit from authorities looking into Redmond's previous drug charges. Around the same time of half-bro Redmond's initial arrest, Tatum was caught buying crack, and when questioned, stated it was for a "role." Tatum hasn't worked since 2006, where she played herself on Dancing With the Stars. Add Farah's reported drug abuse (which came to light during an unintelligible appearance on Letterman in 1997) coupled with her diagnosis with anal cancer, and its been a tough couple years for the Fawcett-O'Neal clan. Can't wait to read the Christmas card!

Whereas most families choose to deal with their issues in the privacy of their lawyers' offices, the Lohans' drama has played out quite publicly. But the fact that Linz seems incapable of going about anything quietly shouldn’t surprise anyone, when her mother airs the family's dirty laundry on a reality television show (Living Lohan), and her father writes open letters to The New York Post when Lindsay won't take his calls. Of the many atrocities these parents have committed against their children: Michael publicly decrying Lindsay's possible lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson, then getting engaged to a woman eleven years older than his daughter; fathering a long-lost Lohan while married to Dina; and multiple arrests, including a DUI. Not to be outdone, Dina visited Lindsay in rehab with camera crews from Access Hollywood; pimps Ali out weekly on her reality television show; and developed a reputation for partying with her daughter. Thing is, only one of them had the good sense to reign it in…and it wasn't Dina. "We are not a bunch of screwups," Dina told People magazine last year. We think she doth protest too much.

At this point, it's safe to say that none of the Spears women will be winning any mother of the year awards. In her new book Through the Storm, matriarch Lynne enumerates all the ways in which she let her daughters down. In addition to the revelations that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn revealed she was pregnant in a note and that Britney was doing drugs at an early age, Lynne also noted that she knew Britney was having sex with Justin Timberlake, but he wasn't her first. Britney would go on to completely lose her mind (and her hair) very publicly throughout 2007, culminating in locking herself in the bathroom of her home with her sons, where she was forcibly removed and put under psychiatric care. This year, when Lynne discovered Jamie Lynn was pregnant, she made lemonade out of lemons and pimped her daughter out to the cover of OK! Magazine for $1 million. Lynne and husband Jamie divorced in 2002, and Jamie appears to be the sane parent, responsibly occupying the role of conservator of Britney's affairs. But with baby Maddie and Brit's sons Jayden and Sean raised in such extreme chaos, should we look for them on the covers of UsWeekly in 2025?

For the past twenty years, the Brothers Baldwin have been making the American public simultaneously laugh and cringe. Alec, the most famous Baldwin brother, has been embroiled in a terrifically acrimonious divorce from actress Kim Basinger for years, centered on the custody of their daughter Ireland. Baldwin himself issued a setback in that battle when he left a voicemail on his 12-year-old's cell phone, calling her "a rude, thoughtless little pig." Eldest brother Daniel was arrested for drugs four times in 2006 alone, but his most spectacular arrest was in 1998 when he was found running naked through the halls of the Plaza Hotel, high on cocaine. Daniel left a stint on VH1's Celebrity Rehab after the fourth episode, claiming a previous acting commitment. You might think littlest brother Stephen's biggest transgression is Bio-Dome, but shortly after the September 11th attacks, Stephen became a born-again Christian who evangelizes through extreme sports and disagrees with liberal brother Alec on most issues. "The greatest way to ensure a better America in the future is make [it] more Christian,” Stephen has said, between appearances on Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge and Celebrity Apprentice. Brother Billy is seemingly the most normal, but there could be drama afoot: wife Chynna Philips is the daughter of John Phillips, and half-sister to Mackenzie and Bijou, another troubled family.

Quite possibly the most famous family on this list, if not for their dysfunction, then certainly for their vapid fame. It's hard to know what might have denigrated the good Hilton family name the most: Paris' 2003 sex tape, her DUI charges, or her recording career. Needless to say, Paris introduced America to the uber-decadent, socially irresponsible lifestyle she grew accustomed to living as an heir to the Hilton hotel legacy. Along with sister Nicky, Paris appeared to be everywhere -- but with greater presence comes greater scrutiny. After her sex tape was released, the contents of a storage space were sold on Ebay, and a tape of Paris using religious and racial slurs was all over the press. The culmination of the Paris frenzy happened when she was arrested for DUI, and was forced to serve a jail term of 22 days. Not to be outdone, little brother Barron, just 18, blew a .14 (almost twice the legal limit) when he was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Though definitely the most private of the Hilton children now (it's as though she realizes how embarassing sister Paris is), Nicky had her own brush with tabloid fame when she inexplicably married old, bald dude Todd Meister in a quickie Vegas wedding just shy of her 21st birthday. Pepper in mom Kathy's desperate attempts at fame (ill-fated reality television I Want To Be A Hilton, hocking products on QVC), and we're pretty sure that Conrad kid hasn't got a shot at normalcy.

You know the old saying: the family that does reality television together, usually has a lot of problems. But the root of the problems started way before the hit reality show The Osbournes went on air. Back in the '70s, Sharon's father was Ozzy's manager. When Sharon and Ozzy started seeing one another, Sharon's father did everything to keep them apart -- even going so far as to turn dogs on Sharon while she was pregnant. She subsequently lost the baby, and didn't reconcile with her father until years later. Though seemingly happily married now, Sharon and Oz have had their fair share of problems, including the 1989 incident when Ozzy, drunk and high, attempted to strangle Sharon to death. The wild success of their show opened doors for both Jack and Kelly, who in their teens started using drugs and alcohol that only escalated once they were fully immersed in the Los Angeles party scene. In 2002, the Osbourne children's drug use was compounded by Sharon's cancer diagnosis. Kelly went to rehab for a painkiller addiction. Brother Jack was admitted to a psychiatric award for similar addiction problems, and later attempted suicide by taking a near-lethal cocktail of absinthe, heroin, pills and WD-40. Eldest sister Aimee is the black sheep of the family, forgoing appearances on the show for some semblance of normalcy.

You would have thought that all of the Culkin children would have been removed from the custody of their parents when they started hanging with Michael Jackson, but you'd be wrong. With three famous children to manage (and four other kids), Culkin patriarch Kit was too busy denying his children a childhood to concern himself with their welfare. A frustrated actor who lived vicariously through his children, Kit managed the careers of all of his children until Macaulay, the eldest of the actors in the family, quit acting at the age of 14 during a brutal and very public custody battle wherein his parents divorced. Just three years later, Macauley would marry fellow actress Rachel Milner, and become a divorcee at the ripe old age of 19. After a return to acting and a few solid flicks under his belt, Macaulay hit another snag when he was arrested in 2004 for possession of marijuana and prescription drugs. Like any good parent eager to exploit the self-made tragedy that's befallen their family, Kit wrote a book about it: I Don't Think So: Confessions of a Stage Father From Hell.

Until recently, the storied Phillips family, infamous throughout Los Angeles, had been relatively quiet. After patriarch John's many marriages (once to Mamas and Papas bandmate Michelle Phillips who he met while she was a teenager) and more children, John's addictions only seemed to grow with age. After years of shooting heroin and coke and drinking excessively, John received a liver transplant, but was photographed drinking in a bar a few weeks afterward, where he stated he was "breaking it in." Eldest daughter Mackenzie, from John's first marriage, has long battled addiction, allegedly spending the entirety of her weekly salary from One Day At A Time ($47,500) on drugs until she was ultimately fired. She continued to struggle with addiction -- most recently at a Los Angeles airport where she was caught smuggling heroin and cocaine in baggies and balloons. Younger half-sister (and full-blown Scientologist) Bijou had to bail her sis out, who initially refused her help, then let her bail her out the following day. But Bijou's no stranger to drugs -- emancipated from her parents at 14, less than a year later she landed in an Arizona rehab. On the cover of Playboy before she was 20, she's developed an explosive, violent reputation, once fighting fellow Playmate Nicole Lenz in nightclub. But we're sure Scientology straightened everything out for her.

When a pre-teen, button-nosed Michael Jackson took the stage with his brothers Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon as the chart-topping group The Jackson 5, who would have known that the smiling, dancing group of brothers would come crashing down years later into a sea of financial, emotional, and legal woes. Their manager and father, Joe Jackson, was rumored to be overly pushy with the boys and was accused by several family members of abuse. Their sister Janet Jackson would launch a successful career as a TV star and singer, but made the world gasp when her boob popped out during the 2004 Superbowl halftime show, and branded the term "wardrobe malfunction." Their sister LaToya never could quite find her footing in an uber-successful family, and made a failed attempt to make a name for herself by posing for Playboy. Oh, and that button-nosed Michael leading the Jackson 5 in too-cute ballads like "I'll Be There"; his rumored proclivity for plastic surgery left his nose far from what it once was and his alleged sexual preference for young boys found him on trial for child molestation charges for the second time in 2005, where he made bizarre appearances in pajamas and then danced on a parked van outside the courthouse. Mother Katherine is said to be the only family member who still talks to the reportedly near-bankrupt MJ, who recently snubbed the entire family by not showing up to a ceremony honoring the work of the Jackson 5. Several in the family suffer from financial hardship, including Marlon, who reportedly stocks shelves at a Vons market and Jermaine, who does odd jobs like repair tires to support himself.

You know you haven't done a bang-up job as a parent when neither of your children are willing to use your surname. Or when they make out with one another at awards shows. After an acrimonious divorce from their mother, Angelina and James saw their father infrequently. Angelina's troubles are well-documented: drug use, multiple marriages, cutting and the incessant need to adopt children have thrust Angelina into the spotlight. At the Academy Awards in 2000 where she won for Best Supporting Actress, she also convinced everyone that her family was a little different by giving her brother a huge kiss on the red carpet, and declaring "I'm so in love with my brother right now," during her acceptance speech. After legally changing her name to Angelina Jolie in 2002, she adopted son Maddox and publicly disowned her father after he made statements that she had "serious emotional problems." She responded, saying family was to be "earned" and that blood does not equate a relationship. Voight continued to make statements in the press, only fueling rumors of Angelina's relationship with Brad Pitt (which was unconfirmed) in 2005: "I'm not sure why she hasn't had her own children. Maybe she hasn't found the right father... I like the look of Brad though. I've got a good feeling about him." Since, Voight has been reduced to remarking upon press reports on Angelina.