Settled! Madge Keeps Her Cash, Guy Sees The Kids

What a disappointment! The Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce settlement was all amicable and diplomatic, with not a drop of drama in sight. Madge will be keeping most of the $300 billion she’s earned gyrating and starring in terrible movies, and sons Rocco and David will split their time between their mom and dad’s houses in America and Britain, respectively. Madonna had apparently wanted all the kids to live with her in New York, but Guy refused to be steamrolled, and will get to see his sons in London. Lourdes will be chilling with her mother in the Big Apple full time.

Friends say that Guy could have grabbed a massive wad of his ex-wife’s cash, but claim he took the high road instead. “He could have hugely boosted his bank balance and set himself up for life, but he already feels he has enough money,” said a pal. “He also didn’t want the whole thing dragging on in the public gaze for months and months and, in any case, his priority was the children’s future.”

So even though Madonna kept her cash, Guy wins the reputation war - which is the biggest battle of all, right?  [Photo: AFP]

Breakups do funny things to a woman, you know. And even uber-celebs like Madonna aren’t impervious to such whims. Stepping out on her first solo outing since the split with Guy Ritchie, at the Gucci Unicef dinner in NYC, Madge sported a world of two halves. On the top half — wow, totally fierce! Flawless makeup, sexy hair and killer red lipstick all say, “I am still a freaking sex-bomb and don’t forget it, motherf*ckers!” On the bottom half — dear God. A dress made out of grass cuttings (we think), hooker fishnets and what look like a pair of pal Gwyneth Paltrow’s gladiator heels all say, “I have lost the plot and sacked my stylist. Someone help me!” [Photo: WireImage]

Madonna and Rihanna attend the launch of the Tattoo Heart Collection to Benefit UNICEF in NYC. [Photo: WireImage]

Madonna at the launch of the Tattoo Heart Collection to Benefit UNICEF in NYC. [Photo: WireImage]

Madonna and Rihanna at the launch of the Tattoo Heart Collection to Benefit UNICEF in NYC. [Photo: WireImage]

Madonna at the launch of the Tattoo Heart Collection to Benefit UNICEF in NYC. [Photo: WireImage]

Frida Giannini of Gucci, Madonna and Rihanna attend the launch of the Tattoo Heart Collection to Benefit UNICEF in NYC. [Photo: WireImage]

Madonna at the launch of the Tattoo Heart Collection to Benefit UNICEF in NYC. [Photo: WireImage]

Beyonce unleashes her alter ego Sasha Fierce upon the world today with her brand new album, I Am…Sasha Fierce. But Beyonce’s not the only pop star with a split personality — from Mariah to Britney to Janet, many of pop’s hottest ladies have developed characters they slide in and out of. Beyonce says Sasha comes out when Beyonce needs protection, but from all the photographic evidence we’ve seen, it seems she comes out when Bey wants to look her hottest. Find out which of your favorite pop stars make crazy look sexy.

Beyonce unleashes alter ego Sasha Fierce on her latest "self" titled album. “[She] is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.” [Photo: Getty Images]

Christina Aguilera renamed herself Baby Jane to announce a tour of jazz clubs with her "Back to Basics" album. "I can't tell you why," she giggled to MTV. Thanks for nothing. [Photo: ChristinaAguilera.com]

Sure, it looks like Britney has gone nuts. But don't blame her. Blame Mona Lisa. She told TRL she takes on the Lisa persona "whenever I feel like being mean." [Photo: BritneySpears.com]

Mariah Carey describes her alter ago Mimi as her "fun side, the real me." Her “Emancipation of Mimi” album re-established her as R&B queen. [Photo: Getty Images]

Ashlee Simpson created Vicky Valentine for her last album, "Bittersweet World." At least we know who to blame for that! [Photo: AshleeSimpsonMusic.com]

Janet Jackson named album No. 8 after her middle names and said it reflected "the many personalities living inside" her. Released after her Super Bowl boo-boo, it flopped. [Photo: Publicity]

Madonna is usually known as The Material Girl and The Material Mom. After embracing the Kabbalah "religion," she insisted on being known by her Hebrew name Esther. [Photo: Getty Images]

TLC's Lisa Lopes was known as "Left Eye." When Lopes went solo after “FanMail,” she recorded as N.I.N.A., aka New Identity Not Applicable. [Photo: Getty Images]

When Madonna’s not drawing up an insane list of demands for soon-to-be ex-husband Guy Ritchie to follow, she’s allegedly telling pals about the depth of new lover A-Rod’s soul. According to The New York Post’s Page Six, Madge told a friend that A-Rod “has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body.”

Obviously the woman who’s written lines such as “See which flavor you like and I’ll have it for you/Come on in to my store, I got candy galore” is imminently qualified to name the Yankee the poet laureate of her heart. A-Rod’s been writing “sweet, personal and rambling expressions of his feelings” to the kabbalah-loving mother of three.

If we were of a more cynical bent, we’d start to thinking that the British tabloids were on Guy Ritchie’s side in the Madonna split. Ahem. (Imagine such a thing!) Just hours after The Sun printed some totally adorable shots of Guy meeting little Rocco and David Banda at London’s Gatwick airport (we learned Guy ate a Danish pastry while waiting for the boys to arrive, he’d taken “time out from filming his movie” to meet them and “overjoyed Rocco ran into his dad’s outstretched arms when they saw each other.” That’s it, we’re officially blubbing!), the Mail reported that Madge has sent through a list of demands for while the boys stay with him. Among the rules:

• Under no circumstances should they read newspapers, magazines or be allowed to watch TV or DVDs.
• They must adhere to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet at all times.
• All water they drink should be Kaballah water.
• They should not be bought toys which are spiritually or ethically unsound.
• At bedtime, Guy should read the English Rose books that Madonna wrote.

Wow, they all sound “reasonable.” Those boys get to have a lot of fun, don’t they?

[Source: The Sun, The Daily Mail Photo: FilmMagic)

Ahhh, now we get it. Britney won two awards at last night’s MTV EMA awards but declined to attend - because she turned up on stage with Madonna last night. Wearing an incredibly modest white shirt and black trousers (was she on her way to a job interview?) Brit wowed the crowd when she opened Madge’s show at the Dodgers Stadium in L.A., singing Human Nature. Following hot on her heels was ex-BF Justin Timberlake, who rocked up later on in the show to perform 4 Minutes. Disappointingly, they didn’t fall into each others arms and realise they are still meant to be together - according to reports they didn’t even cross paths. One day, Britney and Justin, you’ll mend our broken hearts. One day…

Anyway, we forgive Brit for her Liverpool snub now. Duetting with one of the biggest megastars ever as part of your successful career rejuvenation, or sharing the stage with Tokio Hotel? It’s OK Britney, we’d do the same!

[Photo: FilmMagic]

Hi, y'all! [Photo: Getty Images]

Britney laughs at the irony of holding someone else up. [Photo: Film Magic]

Next On Maury: "My Mom's Too Sexy!" [Photo: Getty Images]

Carrie Underwood and Hedwig do the time warp again. [Photo: Getty Images]

Can you tell which ass belongs to the middle aged mother of three, and which belongs to the twenty-something sexpot? [Photo: Getty Images]

As if going through a very public divorce from wife Madonna wasn’t bad enough, Guy Ritchie has something else to contend with: her fans. In two recent incidents, the director has been attacked verbally and nearly physically by Madge’s legion of dedicated fans, one of which was wielding a knife.

While drinking in his pub The Punchbowl this weekend, the first fan approached Ritchie, ranting about his break-up. “He got a drink and started shouting about being a Madonna fan and ranting about the divorce,” said British tabloid The Sun. The fan allegedly continued to shout about having connections to the CIA before he was hauled off by the police.

In the second more serious attempt, Ritchie’s film set was invaded by a 16-year-old boy, screaming “I’m Madonna’s biggest fan!” and “I’m gonna kill Guy.” The boy, who was carrying a knife, was restrained by four security guards and arrested. [DListed; Photo: Getty]

What’s the deal with celebrities these days? It’s like the moon is a wee bit off, and therefore everything is just a little crazy; or perhaps someone went back in time and stepped on a mosquito, subsequently altering the life as we know it. These are the only logical reasons we can come up with as to why Madonna and Jerry Seinfeld are suddenly best friends. Apparently they’ve been pals for years, growing close as neighbors on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. A couple of weeks ago Madonna and her special slugger Alex Rodriguez hopped into separate helicopters and jetted out to the Hamptons to dine with Jerry and his wife Jessica. No one will comment as to why the foursome got together, but we have an idea - a rousing game of sharades where the answers are all Guy Ritchie movies.  [NYP. Photos: GettyImages, WireImage]

We are so confused about the daily twists and turns in the Guy and Madonna saga, we don’t know who’s the baddy or the goody anymore (hey, we like to have easily identifiable characters in a divorce. Paul McCartney = good, Heather Mills = bad. Christie Brinkley = good. That older bloke who shagged a teenager = bad!). But suffice to say, as more and more stories are deliberately leaked to the press are dug up by Britain’s unscrupulous tabloid papers, it sounds like that marriage was a very miserable place to be.

Witness the latest salvo dished out about Madonna’s control-freakery: a marriage contract specifying amongst others, how often they should do it and what exciting exploits they should get up to on evenings together. …

“It stated that Guy had to ‘work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing’ and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge. It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows ‘to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.’ Guy, 40, was instructed never to shout at Madge, 50, but instead look her in the eye and say: ‘I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.’ The marriage rules said both parties must … ‘not use sex as a stick to beat one another,’” according to The Sun.

Our favorite bit is when they claim Madonna says, ‘Contract, Guy, contract’ whenever he naughtily broke any of the rules. Love it. We can’t wait till this saying hits the streets. …

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are reportedly close to a divorce deal, after Madge’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes begged her mother and stepfather, “Please don’t be mean to each other.” Reportedly after Madonna and Guy broke the news of their split to their three children, little Lola pleaded for them to be considerate and acted as the family peacemaker.

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