Audrina Patridge: Hot Hood Ornament

Normally we’re, like, 85% into Audrina Patridge. She’s got the brunette thing going for her, and the bod, of course. But there’s something about her wonky eyes and her Justin Bobby addiction that throws us off. However, last night she used her hard-earned reality TV fame to gain an invite to some Hollywood party, and she looked 100% banging. Her eyes were completely open, and everything else - outfit, hair, blank stare - was on point. Suck it, Lauren Conrad!  [Photo: WireImage]

[Photo: WireImage]

[Photo: WireImage]

[Photo: WireImage]

[Photo: WireImage]

[Photo: WireImage]

[Photo: FilmMagic]

[Photo: FilmMagic]

[Photo: WireImage]

Presenting: Mr. and Mrs. Not Really Married Pratt! Heidi Montag and her sweetie Spencer Pratt showed up at the Road To A Cure gala in Los Angeles last night, and when they weren’t sucking face they were busy flaunting their new wedding bling. We don’t know if it’s just that newlywed glow or a spray tan gone bad, but Heidi’s looking more like a frazzled, aging Palm Beach booze-hound than ever before. The floor length leopard print gown - probably picked up at a Hustler Club yard sale - doesn’t help, and neither do her white claws. Fashion school dropouts beware - this could happen to you! [Photo: FilmMagic]

[Photo: FilmMagic]

[Photo: FilmMagic]

[Photo: GettyImages]

[Photo: GettyImages]

[Photo: WireImage]

[Photo: GettyImages]

Scandalist was all ready to rant about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s alleged nuptials, but amazingly Perez Hilton did it for us. We were a bit suspicious of their elopement after reading all the juicy details in Us Weekly (peep the pages here). For example: Heidi just happened to have a gorgeous, white Balenciaga sundress on hand as well as white Christian Louboutins. Coincidence? Obviously not.

That alone left us skeptical, but then we researched - via the interwebs - what a couple needs to do to get married in Mexico. Speidi claimed they got drunk, decided to wed and an hour later tied the knot. Yet to legitimately marry, the pair apparently needed to complete a marriage application and documents notarized by the Mexican consulate, chest x-rays (gotten in Mexico), and blood test results written in Spanish. At what point during that hour did they do all that?

Perez breaks down the pair’s possible motive - money - for the alleged wedding, and estimates that Us Weekly could have paid them tons of dough for the pics and cover story. He also accuses them of staging their big day so that the rag could put them on the cover of their Thanksgiving issue, which stays on newsstands longer and sells well due to holiday travel. America, it looks like we got punk’d. [Photo: Us Weekly]

Heidi and Spencer, November 2006. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, June 2007. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, July 2007. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, July 2007. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, September 2007. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, December 2007. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, February 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, March 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, April 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, April 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, June 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, June 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, July 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, August 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, September 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi and Spencer, November 2008. [Photo: Getty Images]

So this is why there’s going to be a fifth season of The Hills. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt eloped in Mexico this weekend, uniting their forces of loser-ness into one terrible marriage. The publicity-hungry pair are currently feeding all the details to Perez Hilton and Us Weekly, who will feature the wedding pics on their cover this week. As much as we loathe these two, we can’t wait to ogle over them decked out in virginal white. If you aren’t already gagging, here are the vows Spencer supposedly read to his beloved:

Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.

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Yep, that’s the dress you wore at your cousin’s christening in 1988. But Whitney Port’s fashion sense told her to wear it as a shirt, complimented by some pink rubber sandals. Blam!  [Photo: Splash News Online]

The novelty of The Hills wore off about about 300 stares ago, and even the stars of MTV’s uber-hit know it. Wonk-eyed brunnette Audrina Patridge recently told People that, “At one point, all of us were like, ‘No, we don’t want to do another season,’” she says. “I wanted to do more movies, and Whitney moved to New York and she’s doing her own spin-off. And Lauren’s dating [My Boys actor] Kyle [Howard] but he can’t be on the show because he’s on another show, so that makes it hard.”

Despite their reservations, the ladies have been sucked into a fifth season, probably swayed by the promise of more exclusive internships and loads of cash that affords them all those Christian Louboutin heels. “We have fun with each other and we’ve stuck it out this long, so we might as well do another one,” rationalizes Audrina. Right.

What do you think: Will audiences tune in or has their tolerance for Heidi and Spencer’s fake drama (and faker boobs) worn thin?  [People. Photo: MTV]

Heidi Montag poses with a portrait of herself at an event in Hollywood. We think a more appropriate header would be “dope” - if only we could paint.  [WireImage]

Wanna watch Audrina Patridge pose for Maxim in a bikini? It’s simple - click on the video, ogle and drool.

It looks like the longtime feud between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag has come to a close. “Yes, it’s true,” Lauren says of what appeared to be their official reunion when the two Hills stars hugged it out at Los Angeles restaurant STK. “Heidi was at STK. She came in to the after party to congratulate me on the show. it was nice of her. I appreciated it.”

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Lauren Conrad’s BFF and roomie, Lo Bosworth, gets her hair done - sans makeup - at the at the Warren Tricomi Salon in L.A. [Photo: Splash News Online]